31st August 2015
I always went through life without regret. Yes I made mistakes, some of them massive, but by and large I could chalk it down to experience and move on. Everything changed 7 1/2 years ago though when life threw me a curveball and a half. That regret is many faceted, I promised to look after the tiny person before me... to protect him and love him. But I never held him. Before I had the chance he was gone, I failed in my promises to him and I never even had a cuddle. Callum, that was his name, still comes into my thoughts regularly - especially as I have other little people in my life now!

My second regret was my Mum. It seems silly I suppose, but the last time I saw her in hospital she was in a terrible state... I still thought she would pull through, but at the same time I really wanted to tell her I loved her. The words caught and wouldn't come out, perhaps because I was worried it would jinx her chances - perhaps because there were so many people in the room... or perhaps as I was scarred it would upset her and make her think she was going. She died that night.

I didn't want to write a depressing and downbeat entry, I have been actively trying to avoid it. But Hamish had his third birthday yesterday and we went to visit my Dad. This always brings back feelings that my Mum is missing out on her grandchildren and they are certainly missing out on her.

This isn't to say that my life is consumed by grief, far from it, but there are moments when it all stacks up and I feel a touch lost still. It passes quickly though and I remember that my Mum - and I am sure tiny Callum - would have wanted our family to be a happy one.

So here is to the future. Let it be as good as it can be in memory of those who can't share in it.

Hamish enjoying his birthday.

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